A SOLITARY HUMAN VOICE

孤單的人聲

We are air, we are not earth...

我們是空氣，我們不是土地……

—M. Mamardashvili

——馬馬達(dá)舒維利

I don't know what I should talk about—about death or about love? Or are they the same? Which one should I talk about?
我不知道該說什么，關(guān)于死亡還是愛情？也許兩者是一樣的？我該講哪一種？

We were newlyweds. We still walked around holding hands, even if we were just going to the store. I would say to him, "I love you." But I didn't know then how much. I had no idea... We lived in the dormitory of the fire station where he worked. On the second floor. There were three other young couples, we all shared a kitchen. On the first floor they kept the trucks. The red fire trucks. That was his job. I always knew what was happening—where he was, how he was.
我們才剛結(jié)婚，連到商店買東西都還會牽手。我告訴他：“我愛你?！钡?dāng)時(shí)我不知道自己有多愛他，我不知道……我們住在消防局的二樓宿舍，和三對年輕夫婦共享一間廚房，紅色的消防車就停在一樓。那是他的工作，我向來知道他發(fā)生了什么事——他人在哪里，他好不好。

One night I heard a noise. I looked out the window. He saw me. "Close the window and go back to sleep. There's a fire at the reactor. I'll be back soon."
那天晚上我聽到聲響，探頭望向窗外。他看到我就說：“把窗戶關(guān)上，回去睡覺。反應(yīng)爐失火了，我馬上回來?！?/p>

I didn't see the explosion itself. Just the flames. Everything was radiant. The whole sky. A tall flame. And smoke. The heat was awful. And he's still not back.
我沒有親眼看到爆炸，只看到火焰。所有東西都在發(fā)亮?；鸸鉀_天，煙霧彌漫，熱氣逼人。他一直沒回來。

The smoke was from the burning bitumen, which had covered the roof. He said later it was like walking on tar. They tried to beat down the flames. They kicked at the burning graphite with their feet...They weren't wearing their canvas gear. They went off just as they were, in their shirt sleeves. No one told them. They had been called for a fire, that was it.
屋頂?shù)臑r青燃燒，產(chǎn)生煙霧。他后來說，感覺很像走在焦油上。他們奮力滅火，用腳踢燃燒的石墨……他們沒有穿帆布制服，只穿著襯衫出勤，沒人告訴他們，他們只知道要去滅火。

Four o'clock. Five. Six. At six we were supposed to go to his parents' house. To plant potatoes. It's forty kilometers from Pripyat to Sperizhye, where his parents live. Sowing, plowing—he loved to do that. His mother always told me how they didn't want him to move to the city, they'd even built a new house for him. He was drafted into the army. He served in the fire brigade in Moscow and when he came out, he wanted to be a fireman. And nothing else! [Silence.]
四點(diǎn)鐘了。五點(diǎn)。六點(diǎn)。我們本來六點(diǎn)要去他爸媽家種馬鈴薯，普利彼特離他爸媽住的史畢懷塞大約四十公里。他很喜歡播種、犁地。他媽媽常說，他們多不希望他搬到城里。他們甚至幫他蓋了一棟房子。他入伍時(shí)被編入莫斯科消防隊(duì)，退伍后就一心想當(dāng)消防員?。ǔ聊?/p>

Sometimes it's as though I hear his voice. Alive. Even photographs don't have the same effect on me as that voice. But he never calls to me...not even in my dreams. I'm the one who calls to him.
有時(shí)我仿佛聽到他的聲音在我耳邊回響，即使相片對我的影響力都比不上那個(gè)聲音。但他從來沒有呼喚我……連在夢里都沒有，都是我呼喚他。

Seven o'clock. At seven I was told he was in the hospital. I ran there, but the police had already encircled it, and they weren't letting anyone through. Only ambulances.
到了七點(diǎn)，有人告訴我他被送到醫(yī)院了。我連忙趕去，但警察已經(jīng)包圍了醫(yī)院，除了救護(hù)車，任何人都進(jìn)不去。

The policemen shouted: The ambulances are radioactive, stay away!
警察喊：“救護(hù)車有輻射，離遠(yuǎn)一點(diǎn)！”

I wasn't the only one there, all the wives whose husbands were at the reactor that night had come.
不只我在那里，所有當(dāng)晚丈夫去過反應(yīng)爐的女人都來了。

I started looking for a friend, she was a doctor at that hospital. I grabbed her white coat when she came out of an ambulance. "Get me inside!"
我四處尋找在那所醫(yī)院當(dāng)醫(yī)生的朋友，一看到她走下救護(hù)車，我就抓住她的白袍說：“把我弄進(jìn)去！”

"I can't. He's bad. They all are."
“我不能。他的狀況很不好，他們都是?！?/p>

I held on to her. "Just to see him!"
我抓著她不放：“我只想見他一面！”

"All right," she said. "Come with me. Just for fifteen or twenty minutes."
“好吧，”她說，“跟我來，只能待十五到二十分鐘?！?/p>

I saw him. He was all swollen and puffed up. You could barely see his eyes.
我看到了他，全身腫脹，幾乎看不到眼睛。

"He needs milk. Lots of milk," my friend said. "They should drink at least three liters each."
“他需要喝牛奶，很多牛奶，”我的朋友說，“每個(gè)人至少要喝三升……”

"But he doesn't like milk."
“可是他不喜歡牛奶……”

"He'll drink it now."
“他現(xiàn)在會喝的。”

Many of the doctors and nurses in that hospital, and especially the orderlies, would get sick themselves and die. But we didn't know that then.
那所醫(yī)院的很多醫(yī)生和護(hù)士，特別是勤務(wù)工，后來都生病死了，但是當(dāng)時(shí)我們不知道危險(xiǎn)。

...

（來源：英語環(huán)球?NEWSPlus 編輯：丁一）